My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
Maya Angelou
Recently, my two oldest daughters had a siblings conflict. I was not aware that something had transpired between them after the dinner plans had been made. I do not usually have to check to see if everyone is on the same page in order to make dinner plans or any plans for that matter, I just send the message or make the call. I was in the kitchen when things fell apart between the two of them. I walked in the living room and they were both extremely emotional and behaving unlike themselves. I was at complete lose as to what was going and basically stood in disbelief until I told both of them to squash it resulting in one of the girls leaving. When I found out what was going on between the two of them I spoke to them individually and then together. I listened to what they each had to say, I asked both individually how they could have approached the situation differently or avoided things from getting so out of hand, and told them what I expected moving forward. "When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen the bond between two people" (Smith, 2019). After listening to both of my daughters perspectives I was able to see that they both were guilty of not hearing but not listening to one another and had lost respect for each other in that moment of disagreement with the yelling and hurtful things being said. I think had I known what was going on I would have stressed the importance of respecting each others opinion and space.
The strategies that I felt that help me the most and that I learned more about where 1) avoiding 2)compromising and 3) apologizing. I did not allow the girls to walk away or avoid their conflict, "when avoiding, you do not express your own needs and goals, even if you have a grievance" (O'Hair, 2018, p.225). I needed the girls to hear each other out without the tension but also to let them know how their behavior was unacceptable. This is were compromise came into play because neither of them were right nor wrong in how they felt however there was a better way they could have handled things. "The advantage of compromise us that it lets you and the other person both resolve conflicts by achieving some aspects of their goals" (O'Hair, 2018, p.228). In my opinion to hear someone apologize breaks some or all the harsh emotions that surface during a conflict. Although for some, conflicts are not as easily resolved however, my daughters were able to get some other things off their chest that had been bothering them and it warmed my heart to see and feel the genuineness between the two. "It can be difficult to apologize because it means swallowing your pride and confessing that you did something wrong. The apology may or may not be accepted, but when we hurt others, acknowledging it and expressing our regret and remorse can go a long way toward repairing the damage" (O'Hair, 2018, p.231). Soon after the apology the girls were back to their respectful, loving, supportive and goofy selves and all was well again.
The strategies that I felt that help me the most and that I learned more about where 1) avoiding 2)compromising and 3) apologizing. I did not allow the girls to walk away or avoid their conflict, "when avoiding, you do not express your own needs and goals, even if you have a grievance" (O'Hair, 2018, p.225). I needed the girls to hear each other out without the tension but also to let them know how their behavior was unacceptable. This is were compromise came into play because neither of them were right nor wrong in how they felt however there was a better way they could have handled things. "The advantage of compromise us that it lets you and the other person both resolve conflicts by achieving some aspects of their goals" (O'Hair, 2018, p.228). In my opinion to hear someone apologize breaks some or all the harsh emotions that surface during a conflict. Although for some, conflicts are not as easily resolved however, my daughters were able to get some other things off their chest that had been bothering them and it warmed my heart to see and feel the genuineness between the two. "It can be difficult to apologize because it means swallowing your pride and confessing that you did something wrong. The apology may or may not be accepted, but when we hurt others, acknowledging it and expressing our regret and remorse can go a long way toward repairing the damage" (O'Hair, 2018, p.231). Soon after the apology the girls were back to their respectful, loving, supportive and goofy selves and all was well again.
As this was truly a personal matter, I opted not to share this with a colleague but with my grandmother who I share everything with and talk to daily. First, she jokingly said I should have took both of them over my lap and spanked them for their foolishness. We laughed a bit before she told me that I handled it well and that she was proud of me but I can honestly say that she is without a doubt biased.
References
Maya Angelou Quotes. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/maya_angelou_634520?src=t_inspirational
Smith, M., Segal, J., Ph.D., & Robinson, L. (2019, June). Conflict Resolution Skills. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
O'Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J. (2018). Real Communication: An Introduction (4th. ed). New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.
3 comments:
Hi Violanda,
I really like the quote you included from Maya Angelou. How do you think this quote related to communication and conflict? To me, it reminds me to be successful and express my emotions on things that I am passionate about and also be respectful and understanding. Also, always remember to be silly and not so serious and be you.
Thanks for sharing.
Hey Jamie,
That quote spoke to me instantly because I enjoy every bit of my life the good parts and the not so good parts with every encounter I have with others. I try not to take anything to personal and always do my absolute best to communicate with others in a respectful way. For example if someone comes at me with negativity or anger and I know that it is not from something that I contributed to, I allow them that time to vent and then ask them what is it that I can do to fix the situation which more times than not has worked to tame the tension. I do resort to humor a lot to ease stressful times and I do not dwell on mistakes.
Hi Violanda,
I really like how you handled and resolved the conflict between your two daughters. Sometimes it takes years for siblings to resolve or recover from conflicts. As a mother, I am sure that your daughters' conflict placed you in a very stressful position. "Others find conflicts uncomfortable and believe it can lead to hurt feelings or a damaged relationship(O'Hair,D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J.(2018)."
Reference
O'Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J.(2018). Real communication: An introduction (4th e.d.). New York: Bedford/St.Marti's.Chapter 9, "Managing Conflict in Relationships"
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